Hope is the antidote to loss

Today was not a good day. Tonight I really feel like I need to write to feel better. So tonight, if you are reading this, you are reading some pretty raw feelings. Tonight I am feeling really down; a student of mine has chosen to drop out. I hate to feel like I have Lost a student. Now this may not be a permanent decision, I realize that, but it still hurts. I don' think my students realize how painful it is for teachers when a students makes a decision like this one. I hate to see a student leave school, no matter how bad things are. I hate to see that an opportunity or a diploma might be going out the door with them. The whole situation makes me evaluate what I have been doing in my classroom, and did I do enough? Did I extend every chance for this student to succeed? Did I put 100% of my effort in trying to reach that student, to make a connection? What didn't I do that could have kept that student in school?

If I try to answer all of these questions for myself, I can objectively list all of the things I have tried. I can objectively say that I gave the student more than enough chances to do make up work, to come in for help, to stay a few minutes later into the passing period to ask that one last question. I have found that student asked them to hand in more assignments, to give me a paper that would turn into a zero if I hadn't asked for something. I have sent emails explaining ways to improve your grade. I have redesigned lessons to make them more individually interesting for my students. I have done a lot... so why do I feel this sense of loss and regret that I should have done more? Why do I feel like I have let this student and his family down... when rationally I have tried my hardest?

So as I am writing this, I am thinking... "do I feel guilty for something?" I don't think so. So then I wonder, "do I feel regret for complaining to another teacher when I got frustrated with the student?" No I really don't because after a vent, I would have talked it out (similiar to blogging like this) and renewed my efforts and energy to try something new the next day. Maybe I just need to mourn. Maybe I need to just feel bad. Maybe I am just thinking of all the statistics that tell us a high school diploma often indicates success later in life. Maybe I am thinking of the stats that show that most drop outs don't go back to school. But where does that get me? That doesn't make me feel any better. I am sure other teachers have felt this way. I wonder how they got over it? I wonder how they coped with the loss. I wonder what they tried to keep the students in school...But maybe I should be thinking of all the kids I have heard about that went back, got their GED, went to job corps, and then made something of their lives. Yes, that is better to focus on. I can hope that this "break" from education will only show the students that they need a diploma. They need to learn to do something great with their lives. They need to take control of their lives and their education, and then they can do anything they set their minds to. One can only hope.